


Romancing Rodney (Or, Ronon Dex Gets His Man)

by msgordo (kipplemine)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: First Kiss, Harlequin, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 08:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kipplemine/pseuds/msgordo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Re-post of a fic to the original Harlequin comm (SGA), way back when. Ronon wants Rodney and with the aid of Miko and a Harlequin novel as his guides sets out to get him. Rodney is baffled, confused and annoyed in equal measure, Teyla approves and John just wants them all to go away and stop telling him the details. Oh god, <i>the details</i>....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romancing Rodney (Or, Ronon Dex Gets His Man)

“I want your permission to court McKay.”

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard inhaled the slightly overcooked spaghetti he’d been consuming before his day got shot to hell, turned purple and began to rather melodramatically choke on it.

Teyla shot Ronon a reproachful look where he sat on the other side of the dining hall table and got to her feet to slip behind her C.O. and apply the Heimlich manoeuvre. “You said you would approach the subject with subtly and caution.”

“That was subtle.” Ronon watched impassively as Teyla went about the messy business of saving John’s life, adding, “If I’d have been going for obvious I’d have practised the old traditions of my own world and challenged him before all of his people, gutted him with my knife and taken McKay from him as my prize.”

A pained grunt signalled the release of John’s lunch from his throat and lungs and he slumped forward in Teyla’s arms with a protesting wheeze.

“Ronon is joking.” Teyla sent her newest teammate a quelling look and kept one supporting hand on John as she handed him a glass of water with the other. “You are in no danger.”

Ronon looked vaguely surprised at Teyla’s reassurance and muttered, “No I’m not.” He leaned back in his chair and fingered the knife at his hip pointedly, saying, “Look. It’s right here.”

“Ronon,” Teyla spoke sharply and patted John bracingly on the shoulder as he jerked backwards in alarm and spilled water all over his crotch. “Be silent for a moment. Colonel Sheppard needs to regain his composure.”

Cursing and spluttering, John grabbed a bunch of paper napkins off the table to wipe at his face and groin and gestured Teyla away. “You want to do what with McKay?” He scowled as he realised the rest of the mess hall had fallen silent at his strangled yell and snapped, “As you were!”

The sound of around fifty military and civilian personnel busily and determinedly diverting their attention from the weirdest and most trouble prone team on Atlantis flooded the room.

John glared around the room making sure that everyone present knew he was having one of those days and would be only to happy to share the misery and then turned the glare on Ronon, still fingering his knife thoughtfully. “Run that by me again?”

“I want to court McKay and I’m asking for your permission to do it.” Ronon looked puzzled. “Have I used the wrong phrasing?”

“God I hope so.” John’s fervent mutter had Teyla’s lips twitching with amusement. “What do you think it means?” 

“I want him to share my bed.” Ronon scowled in annoyance as John choked again, adding petulantly, “You haven’t even got anything in your mouth.”

“And I never will again because you’ve just killed my appetite for life!” John’s indignant howl attracted unwanted attention again and he snarled to the room at large, “Have I got to start court martialling people?”

The military personnel present discovered a burning desire to anywhere their commanding officer wasn’t and started to make a tactical withdrawal. The civilian portion of the room smirked smugly and settled down to enjoy the show.

John’s eyes narrowed and he said loudly, “I’m going to have to talk with McKay about assigning a more involved work detail to some individuals. Obviously some people aren’t being kept busy enough around here and are feeling the need to fill their time with stuff that is _none of their goddamned business_.”

The civilians decided that, for once, the military personnel had the right idea and scrambled for the exits.

Teyla watched a lone tray clatter to the floor as its owner knocked it flying in their haste to escape and looked at John in condemnation as they were left alone in the mess hall. “That was unkind.”

“No, unkind is someone announcing over lunch that they want to screw your colleague and friend!” John slammed a hand on the table and glowered at Ronon. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“That I wanted to court McKay.” Ronon eyed John darkly from under lowered brows. “You think I’m not good enough for him.”

“No, that’s not it!” John looked appalled as his realised his hasty denial could be taken as approval for Ronon’s intentions and hurriedly blurted out, “Yes it is, that’s it _exactly_!”

“Well which one is it?” Ronon’s look darkened further and he muttered irritably, “I’d make a good match for McKay. I’m strong and healthy, I can provide for him well enough and I don’t allow his tongue to unduly offend me when he is annoyed. I’d protect him at the expense of my own life and I can be…kind when I have to be. I would make him happy.”

John dragged his glassy eyes from Ronon as he finished up his litany of his attributes and looked at Teyla, only to find her sitting beside him and nodding calmly in agreement. “What the…you _knew_ about this?”

“Of course.” Teyla bestowed a warm, somewhat maternal smile on both men. “Ronon sought my advice before approaching you.”

John glared. “You know, that whole ‘smugger-than-thou’ attitude is really starting to grate, Teyla.” He stabbed a finger at her when her smile chilled appreciably. “I’m beginning to think you do it just to annoy me.” The finger turned on Ronon. “And you; what the hell are you thinking? McKay is your teammate. You do not screw your teammate. _Ever_.”

“He’s also a man, not just my teammate.” Ronon eyed John’s finger like he was considering biting it off and informed the older man frigidly, “Men have needs.”

John, looking more appalled by the second, retracted his finger and rounded on Teyla again because Ronon was quite clearly insane, repeating accusingly, “You _knew_ about this?”

“I approve of this.” Teyla bestowed the maternal smile on Ronon again; taking no small petty satisfaction in the knowledge that it cranked up John’s irritability just that little bit more. “As should you. Rodney is our friend and we should want his happiness above all else.” A brief look of concern showed in her eyes. “Unless you have already laid claim to his affections yourself? Was I mistaken in assuming your affection for him did not go beyond that of a familial nature?”

John could bear no more and slapped a hand to the side of his head, activating his headset. “Sheppard to Beckett, we have a medical emergency. Teyla and Dex have possibly been influenced by an unfriendly force and have gone completely nuts. Be advised I’m bringing them to the infirmary now. Sheppard out.” He stood up and glowered at his two alien teammates. “You’d better hope there’s something making you act this crazy, because if there’s not there’s gonna be some serious ass kicking later for putting that picture in my head! Move!”

~*~*~*

“What do you _mean_ there’s nothing wrong with them? Run the tests again!”

~*~*~*

John sat on his bed glaring balefully at Teyla and Ronon as they sat side by side in chairs by his balcony doors and told himself for what seemed to be the tenth time that day that making your commanding officer look like a complete and utter butthead in front of most of the medical staff, his civilian commanding officer _and_ more than a few of his own subordinates was not an offence punishable by death. John’s eyes narrowed and he glared harder at the two placid looking aliens. 

Unfortunately.

Teyla cocked her head to one side and lifted her eyebrows in a way that made John want to shave the damn things off. “Are you now prepared to listen to what we have to say?”

“No,” John growled and pointed firmly towards the door. “Get out.”

Teyla sighed. “In the time I have known you I have come to greatly respect your fairness and open-mindedness in listening to the thoughts of others even if it compromises your own beliefs and ideals.” She smiled warmly at John’s mulish face. “You are a great leader and a good friend, John.”

“Hmm.” John appeared to consider Teyla’s words and nodded thoughtfully to himself. “Hey, Teyla?” Teyla’s warm smile spread expectantly across her face. “Bite me.” He pointed again at the door as Teyla lost the smile. “Get out.”

Ronon grunted and shifted in his chair, muttering, “I knew I should have just gutted him.”

John shot Teyla a thoroughly vindicated look. “Yeah, and _this_ is the guy I should be encouraging to put the moves on my friend. What’s he gonna do to Rodney when the poor guy actually turns him down, huh? Rip an arm off?”

“Enough!” Teyla darted nimbly to her feet and between her two friends as Ronon shot out of his chair with a furious growl and John bounced up to meet him. “You are behaving like children.” She slapped a hand on Ronon’s chest and pushed, frowning in irritation when he barely rocked back an inch. “Stop this!”

“Colonel!” All three froze when John’s door opened suddenly and Rodney McKay rushed headlong into the room. “Sheppard, I’ve just been to the infirmary and Carson…” Rodney skidded to a halt and stared at Teyla sandwiched between a furious looking John and Ronon. “What the hell is going on?”

“Don’t you ever knock?” John irritably shoved his way past Teyla and Ronon, giving them both a warning look as he placed himself between Rodney and the insane, horny guy with the dreads. “What’s so urgent you completely ignore protocol and oh, I don’t know, common courtesy to invade my _private_ quarters?”

Rodney stared at John blankly. “Yes, because I’m known throughout two galaxies for my social skills.” He looked his friend over irritably and then did the same to Teyla and Ronon, demanding, “What’s wrong? Carson said you were all in the infirmary this afternoon behaving more stupidly than usual, which I find almost impossible to believe by the way, and he’s concerned that you’re all cracking up. Unsurprisingly I believed that no questions asked.”

John gritted his teeth and wondered whether it was too late to change his mind about handing Rodney over to Ronon and if it might be overkill to wrap him up in a big red bow.

Rodney folded his arms over his chest and tapped his foot when his team all remained obstinately silent, his face creased in a frown and just the tiniest hint of hurt feelings about his pinched mouth. “And I’d really like to know why I found out about you all being under Carson’s care through Kavanaugh who took great delight in telling me you were all probably dying of some hideous alien virus. _Again_.”

John softened and felt the tiniest bit guilty at the whole big-red-bow thing. Rodney had come rushing to his team’s side as soon as he’d heard they might be ill, obviously concerned and half out of his mind with wor…

“I mean, what about me? I’ve been on all the same away missions you have, you know. What if I’d been affected?” Rodney pulled his folded arms tighter to his body and shivered dramatically. “Atlantis can afford to lose a couple of grunts here and there, but I’m irreplaceable and you left me sitting in my lab all alone whilst god knows what was attacking my immune system…”

“McKay!” John clenched his fists and concentrated on not punching out his self-confessed irreplaceable friend. “Shut up. We’re _fine_.”

“Oh really,” Rodney, obviously not convinced, narrowed his eyes and sneered, “Because clearly the fact that you three looked like you were going to rip each other apart when I came in speaks so strongly for the stability of your health. Mental or otherwise. Teyla, you’re marginally less stupid than the Testosterone Twins here, perhaps you’d be so kind as to inform me why my teammates look to be two steps away from killing each other?”

For the first time since Rodney had known her Teyla looked at a complete loss for words. “I…” Her eyes shifted to Ronon and John and darted desperately between them, obviously looking for help or inspiration. Futilely looking as it turned out, when both men stared back at her vacantly and shuffled their feet as though preparing to bolt. Teyla’s eyes flashed dangerously. “I would not. It is not my place.”

“I see.” Rodney’s face still showed irritation in every line, but his body language seemed to alter ever so slightly so his arms now appeared to be hugging his chest in an oddly defensive gesture. “Ronon? Colonel?”

John stared at his friend blankly and his mind raced as he thought of something to say. Somehow he had a feeling that ‘Well, you see, McKay, Ronon’s decided that out of everyone here on base, the person he’d most like to see naked and sweaty is you! So how about it, feel like taking one for the team?’ wasn’t going to help the situation. He stared blankly some more. “Uh….”

“He mocked my fighting skills.” Ronon realised it was all up to him to save the day when John continued to look helplessly vacant and Teyla remained stubbornly silent. He glared at John and then at Rodney, who looked startled and took a hasty step back at the ferocious snarl. “Said that I was letting myself get sloppy now I lived here.”

“Oh my God.” Rodney’s face paled and he looked worriedly at John. “You are losing your mind. What the hell is Carson thinking of letting you out of the infirmary? Are you nuts? The big lummox could snap you in two, you moron!”

Ronon looked like he was torn between gratification at Rodney’s faith in his battle skills and irritation at the scientist’s less than fond description of him. John settled for a much more assured and outraged, “Hey!”

“Oh please, he’s a complete savage, he’d have you broken and whimpering before you’d even managed to throw the first punch.” Rodney glared at his two male teammates in exasperation, not seeing Teyla turn her back and clap a hand over her mouth to muffle a sudden attack of laughter at the identical irate looks on John and Ronon’s faces. “And I can’t believe I rushed all the way down here, thinking you were dying, to break up a schoolyard scuffle between you two idiots.”

John folded his arms over his chest and scowled petulantly. “Nice to know you care, McKay.”

“I came didn’t I?” Rodney rolled his eyes and turned to stalk out the door as abruptly as he’d arrived. “Well, I have better things to do than stand around and drown in your excess machismo. If anything actually important happens, I’ll be in my lab. Try to keep the manly beatings of your chests and lying about the size of your genitalia to a bare minimum.” 

The door swished shut behind Rodney, and Teyla gratefully took her hand away from her mouth and sagged against the nearest wall, shaking with mirth. John glowered at the door, narrowed his eyes at Teyla -- who continued to laugh helplessly -- and then turned to Ronon, who was looking puzzled. “Seriously. _McKay_?”

“Huh? Oh. Yeah.” Ronon nodded in absent confirmation and looked down at the front of his leather pants in bewilderment. “What do I have to lie about?” He ran a thoughtful finger over the respectable bulge between his legs and then eyed John’s crotch equally thoughtfully. “Is this an Earth thing? Part of your mating rituals?”

“No.” John shoved his hands into his pants pockets and resisted the urge to cup himself in protection. “Stop _looking_ at me.”

Teyla moaned and pushed away from the wall, staggered across to the bed and fell on it gracelessly, still laughing.

Ronon spared her an indifferent glance and then frowned in annoyance at John. “Are you sure?” He eyed his CO in suspicion. “I’ve only read the first twenty pages or so of the book, and it hasn’t covered any of the more involved mating rituals yet.”

John opened his mouth to snarl something incredibly vicious, his brain caught up with his ears and he croaked lamely, “Book?”

Ronon nodded, looking pleased with himself. “I’ve been doing some research.”

“Research?” John repeated hoarsely.

“Yeah.” Ronon reached for his leather coat that he had thrown across the back of his chair when they had entered John’s quarters, rooted in one of the pockets and pulled something out to hold it aloft triumphantly. “Look.”

John looked. There, clutched in Ronon’s hand, was a tattered paperback. The kind he vaguely remembered his mother buying slightly shame faced at the supermarket checkouts and hiding from his dad when they got home. John shut his eyes, opened them and then squinted when the book stubbornly remained a rather lurid purple and red with the words ‘An Uncivilised Seduction’ emblazoned across it in gold letters. 

“God.” John stared in horror Ronon. “You’re serious.”

Ronon nodded. “I am.” The hand not clutching his research material moved to the front of his pants. “So. I know I don’t have to lie, how about you?”

~*~*~*

John had never considered himself a particularly cruel man. Sure, there had been the occasional taunting of a geek in high school -- and more than one taunt towards more than one geek at Atlantis -- but he prided himself on never actually crossing the line from mocking to mean. 

Until, it would seem, he discovered the culprit behind Ronon’s sudden interest in Earth reading material and summoned her to his office, where she promptly burst into tears and offered him everything from all her chocolate rations for the next year to her own life at his completely justified yell of “What the hell did you think you were doing?”

Miko curled in on herself on his visitor’s chair, her glasses steaming up as she sobbed pitifully and gulped out plaintive pleas for mercy and forgiveness while she stared at Ronon’s book lying on John’s desk.

“Hey, uh…” John’s eyes darted nervously to the door where he could see at least three members of the science expedition staring suspiciously through the glass at him and fingering their earpieces pointedly as they muttered amongst themselves. “Hey. Don’t do that.” He stuck his hands in his pockets and fumbled hopefully for some tissue. “Hey. Um…”

Miko curled further into a ball and started to wail in Japanese.

“Oh Christ.” John hurried around his desk to pat awkwardly at her shoulder, jumping as she flinched away from him and covered her face with her hands. “It’s okay, I’m sorry. I’m not mad. Really.”

Miko peered upwards hesitantly, stared at the uncomfortable grimace on John’s face which bore an uncanny resemblance to someone baring their teeth in preparation for moving in for the kill and ducked her head again as the sobs went up in pitch and renewed urgency.

“Please stop doing that.” John shot another nervous look at his door and groaned in dismay when he saw that the three scientists had been joined by two marines wearing accusing expressions and clutching their sidearms in a very marked manner. “Seriously. Stop it!” He glanced up as his door hissed open and stared as Ronon Dex came barrelling through at a dead run and wearing a murderous expression. “What the hell...?”

“Move!” Ronon shouldered John aside and fell to his knees beside Miko, wrapping his huge arms around her and glaring balefully up at John as she collapsed sobbing on one meaty shoulder. “What did you do to her?”

“Nothing! I….” John flinched as Ronon glared harder and Miko interrupted him, still wailing in Japanese. “ _Nothing_.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.” Still looking ready to kill, Ronon hugged Miko to him and ducked his head to mutter something suspiciously not English in her ear.

John’s mouth fell open. “You speak Japanese?” He hastily put aside his shock when Miko calmed slightly at Ronon’s halting murmur and made encouraging flapping motions with his hands. “Which is great. Keep doing that!”

Ronon shot John a withering glare, but muttered again in Miko’s ear, pausing to listen intently as she hiccupped something back at him. “What?” Wearing an extremely dark expression, Ronon looked up at John and said accusingly, “You yelled at her?”

“No!” John paused. “Well, yeah, but not like really yelled at her. Not like _McKay_ yells at her.”

Miko sobbed harder at the mention of McKay’s name and clutched anxiously at Ronon’s dreds, making him wince. “It’s alright. I’m here now. He won’t yell anymore.” Ronon carefully detangled her hands from his abundant tresses and patted her on the head as through she were a puppy. “It’s alright.”

John watched in disbelief when Miko’s bespectacled head bounced from the force of Ronon’s pats. “What the hell is going on here? I thought you wanted McKay!”

“I do.” Ronon stood, still patting at Miko’s head, and then moved behind her to grip her shuddering shoulders in his big hands. “She is helping me.” He looked down with a look of bemusement and faint affection. “Miko is my friend.”

John stared at his team-mate for a long moment as he tried to wrap his mind around the concept of Ronon Dex -- a man who even the _Wraith_ were wary of -- being friends with the timid little scientist who had always put John in mind of an oriental and female version of Owl from Winnie the Pooh. He blinked. “Say again?”

Ronon glowered warningly, repeating with dark emphasis, “Miko is my friend.”

John looked down at the woman clutched in Ronon’s big hands and then back up at his irritated teammate. “No. Seriously. What the hell is going on here?”

Miko hiccupped and started to cry again.

Ronon patted her on the head briefly once more, glowering at John. “Is the idea of me having other friends on Atlantis so unbelievable?”

John opened his mouth and just managed to bite off the indignant ‘Yes!’ that wanted to burst out, settling instead for a rather unconvincing, “Of course not.” He looked incredulously down at Miko, who was leaning back against Ronon with no apparent care for her personal safety and continuation of life, and then back up at his team-mate. “It’s just…she…you….”

“Miko has been helping me familiarise myself with Earth traditions and cultures.” Ronon tightened his hands on his friend, and narrowed his eyes warningly at John. “She has been very kind.”

John cleared his throat uneasily and tried to smile down at Miko’s flushed, unhappy face. “Okay. Um, good?” His smile twisted uncertainly. “And she’s been teaching you…?”

“How to read English. How to write my own reports.” Ronon’s voice wasn’t accusing, but John winced anyway. Dammit, he should have thought about that. “How to use the computer I was given correctly. How to…”

John held up a hand with a pained smile. “Got it.” He sighed ruefully. “I’m sorry. I should have thought that there’d be stuff outside of the weapons training you’d need to know.”

Ronon shrugged. “Not a problem.” He looked down at Miko and smiled as she screwed her neck around and peered worriedly up at him. “Miko was the first person to offer to work with me when McKay asked for volunteers from his staff. She’s been nice to me.”

John’s breath left him on a wheeze of shock. “McKay asked people to help you to read?”

Ronon shrugged again, this time in slight embarrassment. “He was being…kind.”

Both men took a moment to consider this unlikely assessment of Rodney McKay and then John frowned doubtfully. “Really?”

Ronon returned the doubtful frown with interest. “I think so.” The frown deepened into a thoughtful scowl. “He certainly threatened a lot of people to make them talk to me.”

John’s face cleared, and he looked immeasurably relieved. “That sounds more like McKay.” He looked down at Miko with genuine sympathy for the first time and enquired gently, “Told you that he’d stick you all on sewage detail again, huh?”

Miko looked stricken and murmured under her breath in her native language. John looked expectantly at Ronon, who shook his head in mystification. “Don’t know. We’re just starting to cover basic conversation.”

“Huh.” John scratched his head and gave a lopsided grin. “I can’t believe you’re learning Japanese. The next thing you know, you’ll be eating with actual cutlery.”

Ronon grunted and glared. “I’ve been doing that for months anyway and you know it.” He looked down at Miko and grinned as she smiled warily up at the two men. “Miko misses having someone to talk to in her native tongue. She told me that she’s the last surviving member of her country’s chosen permanent representatives here on Atlantis. I wanted to repay her for helping me, and it seemed a pretty simple thing to do.”

John looked down at Miko with an unpleasant nauseous feeling in his stomach and could think of nothing to say. A simple ‘I’m sorry,’ didn’t seem nearly adequate enough and anything else would be too trite for words.

Miko smiled nervously up at John and hesitantly patted his forearm in understanding at his stricken look. “We have all lost many good friends.” Her smile became more genuine as she glanced back at Ronon. “But we are lucky that we make many more.”

“Yeah.” John eyed the woman uneasily and backed up around his desk. “About that.” He sank down into his chair and tried to ignore the threatening rumble from Ronon. “Look, Miko, um, Ronon seems to have gotten the idea that, well, obviously you’re teaching him to read English, which is great, but the reading material you’ve chosen….”

Three pairs of eyes contemplated the book lying on John’s desk as he trailed off, one pair nervously and two pairs almost fondly.

“Well, what I’m trying to say is that, maybe you could use something else?” John looked hopefully across the desk at Ronon and Miko. “Something more suitable, maybe?”

Miko’s face clouded with uncertainty. “But we are enjoying it very much. Ronon is making great progress.”

John refused to acknowledge in any way the evil leer on Ronon’s face, and instead focused his unwilling attention squarely on Miko. “I’m sure he is, but, well, he’s…” John gulped in a fortifying breath as Ronon’s evil leer increased and forced himself to plod onwards. “Look, he’s gotten some weird ideas from the book and it has to stop, okay? Like _now_.” Feeling marginally better now he was back on the familiar ground of issuing orders and expecting them to be obeyed, John leaned back in his chair and nodded affably. “I don’t think I need to say anymore.”

The identical blank expressions on Miko and Ronon’s faces begged to differ.

Obviously feeling a lot braver now she had her knight in tattered leather backing her up, Miko folded her still trembling hands in her lap and said with barely a tremor, “No.” She blinked anxiously behind her glasses, saying in a brave whisper, “I won’t.”

John wasn’t the least bit mollified to see that Ronon was looking as startled as himself at Miko’s unexpected refusal to follow his order. “Excuse me?”

Miko stuck out her pointy little chin and met John’s eyes defiantly. “I won’t do that.” Her heroic stand against military oppression was somewhat ruined by the broken squeak in her voice, but she stared across the table at John unflinchingly. “I _won’t_.”

John opened his mouth, closed it and then stared in bemusement at Miko. She stared back, trembling and tear stained, but determination written on every line of her blotchy face. John ignored the snigger from Ronon as the other man got over his momentary surprise at Miko’s refusal to follow orders, and said carefully, “Maybe you didn’t understand me. That wasn’t a request.”

Miko blinked rapidly and fisted her shaking hands into her waist as she said, “I understood. I report to Doctor McKay, he says that I must only listen to the military when my life is in danger. He also says that if I blindly follow moronic orders when my life is not in danger, then when he finds out, my life will be in danger. From _him_.” With every trembling line of her body belying her words, Miko finished anxiously, “I am more concerned with keeping Doctor McKay’s good opinion of me than yours, Colonel Sheppard.”

John didn’t know what to be more annoyed about first. McKay’s typical dismissive attitude towards military authority or the fact that a mouthy scientist was considered scarier than himself. On balance, he decided to go with McKay’s attitude. “Miko, whilst Doctor McKay enjoys a certain…leniency…in his interaction with other departments on this expedition, I think you should consider carefully following his orders to the letter. Things could get pretty uncomfortable for you, otherwise.”

Miko stared at John, her lower lip started to tremble and then she broke down in floods of tears once more, hiccupping frantic words in her native language.

Ronon glowered. “Don’t threaten her.” He patted Miko’s head. “Don’t worry, I won’t let him do anything to you.”

“Hey, military commander here!” John winced as Miko’s pitch increased to painful proportions and scowled at Ronon. “I give the orders!”

Miko’s hiccups increased, and she wrapped one trembling fist in the loose material of Ronon’s nearest pants leg. “Tr…true lo…love knows no bou…boundaries!” Her swollen eyes blinked rapidly behind misty glasses. “N…no man may de…deny the yearnings of the he…heart!”

John looked startled and then spat accusingly, “You got that off the back off the book, didn’t you?”

“Sou…soulmates will be drawn together no matter what the ad…adversity!” Miko’s voice cracked somewhat on her last defiant yell, and she buried her face in Ronon’s accommodating hip when the last of her courage ran out.

John hung his weary head, slapped at his earpiece and bit out, “Sheppard to Beckett. I’ve got another one for you. Be right down.”

Ronon smirked. “Don’t forget my book.”

~*~*~*

“No, not me! Test them! _Them_!”

~*~*~*

This time when John escaped from Carson’s increasingly worried clutches, he retreated to the mess and took a table by the windows to stare darkly out into the night sky and contemplate all the ways he could conceivably kill his team off without questions being raised. It was somewhat more difficult to think of ways to sneakily do away with Miko, but he was confident that if he really put some effort into it, then it could be achieved. 

He scowled as he saw Teyla making her way towards him in the reflection on the window and fixed his attention squarely on the coffee cup he had clutched in his hands on the table before him. If he couldn’t see her, then she wasn’t there.

“Colonel Sheppard.” Teyla stopped by his elbow. “May I join you?”

John glared harder at his coffee and mentally chanted, ‘Not there, not there, not there!’

“Thank you.” Teyla ignored the sulky silence and slipped into the chair directly opposite John. “Have you had a pleasant day?”

John lifted tortured eyes from his coffee, glowered for a moment and then looked back down into the depths of his mug once more. Teyla’s lips twitched in amusement. “Perhaps pleasant is the wrong word to use.” She glanced quickly around the almost deserted room, and then reached out to lay one hand one John’s sleeve. “John, please, can we not discuss this? I am sorry that you are finding this difficult to deal with, but I would never have encouraged Ronon to make his intentions known to you if I did not believe that there was some hope of them becoming realised.”

“Go away.” Without any hope whatsoever of his own hopes being realised, John stared pleadingly at Teyla. “Far, far away. Somewhere not here.”

Teyla folded her arms over her chest and settled in for the duration. “I will not.” She met John’s eyes evenly and without a trace of irony. “I would be remiss in my duties as your colleague and friend if I left you so obviously distressed and in need of support.”

All a-quiver with earnestness, John leaned forward. “But if you went away I’d feel much better. _Really_.”

“You are being childish.” Teyla narrowed her eyes. “We will talk about this. Now.”

“Oh, god.” John slumped in his chair in resignation. “You’re not going away, are you?” He sighed pitifully. “Okay. Just…no details, alright?” He shuddered. “Really. None.”

Teyla smiled warmly at him, and very kindly didn’t look anywhere near as smug as she felt. “I have been aware of Ronon’s interest in Rodney for some time. I believe the first time I noticed his growing affection for him was when we were visiting Olesia.”

John frowned. “Which one was that again?”

Teyla sighed quietly and mentally reminded herself that no one could possibly be as dumb as John Sheppard pretended to be and still be capable of walking upright and talking at the same time. “The prison planet.” John continued to frown, Teyla sighed again. “Where we found Eldon?”

“Oh. Right.” John looked faintly bemused. “Hey, what happened to him, anyway?”

Teyla gritted her teeth. “That is unimportant at the moment. What is important is that it was on Olesia that I first realised Ronon harboured fond feelings for Rodney.”

John sagged in defeat, crushed that his last ditch attempt at changing the subject was being disregarded. “Right. Feelings.” He sighed morosely. “Go on.”

“He was…watchful.” Teyla smiled to herself as she pictured again Ronon -- not the most subtle of people at the best of times -- following Rodney around, eyes glued to him even when Rodney wasn’t addressing any remarks to him directly, sly smiles breaking through every now and again in response to a particularly cutting remark. “He very much enjoys being in Rodney’s company.”

“And you don’t find that the least bit disturbing?” John stared beseechingly at his teammate. “This is McKay we’re talking about. No one enjoys his company!”

“He is my friend.” Teyla looked back at John serenely. “The opinions of others here have no bearing on my own feelings. I have learned to disregard their murmurings over time.”

“Well, that’s…what murmurings?” John went from bewilderment to righteous indignation in under a second. He had some very clear ideas on who was allowed to torture and needle Rodney and so far the people who could do so without losing a limb were limited to his team and possibly Elizabeth, Carson and Radek, although they sailed pretty close to the wind themselves on occasion. “What have you heard?”

“Nothing of any great importance.” Teyla mentally patted herself on the back, wisely restraining her smug smile at John’s outrage on Rodney’s behalf, and mercilessly reeled her catch in. “The usual derogatory comments, perhaps a slight increase in resentment at Rodney’s unique status here on Atlantis.”

“Is that right?” John’s voice slowed and deepened, the drawl in his voice increasing in direct proportion to his annoyance, saying with flat conviction, “The scientists.”

“Yes.” Teyla inclined her head in agreement with John’s statement -- happily also hiding her victorious grin -- and added after a beat, “And others.”

“Others?” John’s fingers tapped restlessly on the table between them before his eyes narrowed and fixed on Teyla. “Is this something I should start worrying about?”

Teyla’s face reflected blandness on an almost Olympian scale. “I do not believe so.” Certainly, she added in the privacy in her own head, not after the rather intense sparring session she had enjoyed with three of the more aggressive members of the new military personnel that had left them winded and bruised on the gym floor and swearing up and down that they wouldn’t even look at Rodney McKay again, never mind voice their dislike and resentment of him. “It has been made clear that such opinions are to be kept private, and not shared with the general population.”

“Hmm.” John eyed Teyla with a sly smirk dancing at the corners of his mouth. “How clear are we talking here?”

Teyla smirked back. “Very clear. I understand special mention of the importance of this request will now be made at every induction of new personnel aboard the Daedelus before they arrive at Atlantis.”

John whistled soundlessly between his teeth. “That’s pretty clear alright.” He looked away from Teyla, out towards the ocean, and then cut his eyes back curiously. “The sticks?”

Teyla nodded. “The sticks.” Also, hands, knees and, on one marine that was particularly hard of hearing, her teeth, but she didn’t think John really needed to know that.

John grinned and shrugged. “Hey, he’s an arrogant son of a bitch, but….”

“He is ours.” Teyla smiled warmly back, before sobering and saying insistently, “And Ronon’s.”

“Ah, hell, you just had to go ruin it, didn’t you?” John looked at Teyla reproachfully, his lower lip jutting out with the beginnings of a pout. “I don’t want to go there.” 

“You do not want Rodney to be happy?” Teyla looked politely interested and ignored John’s dark glare. “Or is it that you do not wish Rodney to be happy with another man?”

The dark glare turned lethal, and John snapped, “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that, okay?” He waited until Teyla nodded warily before leaning in and saying seriously, “We’ve already had our team ripped apart once, do you really want to go there again?”

Teyla’s eyes turned liquid with pain at the oblique reference to Ford, but she shook her head in irritation. “That will not happen. Ronon will care for Rodney to the best of his ability if he is only given the chance. They will complement each other greatly.”

John closed his eyes tightly, a pained grimace distorting his face. “Details! We agreed, no details!” 

Teyla tucked her tongue into her cheek and nodded gravely. “We did.” She waited until John cautiously opened one eye, and then looked at him challengingly as she mercilessly delivered her final volley. “I have observed Rodney as well. I believe that Ronon will be successful if he approaches him.”

“Oh, god,” John buried his face in his hands, manfully suppressing another wail and surrendered abruptly. “Okay. Fine. Tell him to have at it. Just leave me alone.”

Teyla smiled triumphantly and stood to place a hand on John’s shoulder. “You are a good man, John.”

John whimpered. “Go away.”

Teyla suppressed a very unworthy snigger, patted John once more and left him sitting forlornly at the table, contemplating how his life had gone so very wrong and whether anyone would really miss him if he stole a puddlejumper and ran away from home.

~*~*~*

Ronon started his campaign in earnest on their next mission. John had maintained a very successful policy of running away as fast as he possibly could whenever he had seen the other man in the distance since giving his reluctant blessing, and so was thankfully ignorant of the exact method that Ronon and Miko had decided to implement from their book. 

The team gathered in the gate room, John hiding determinedly behind his mirrored sunglasses, Rodney still sulking because he knew his team was keeping something from him and Teyla radiating a quiet satisfaction that was steadily sending John’s blood pressure into orbit. Ronon was engaged with dividing his time staring expectantly between the stargate and Rodney, and flashing John small, secretive grins that boded ill for his chances of not making it back from their mission without several rounds of friendly fire emptied into his leather encased butt.

“Colonel Sheppard, you have a go.” Elizabeth stood above them in her customary place on the balcony, smiling serenely down at her premier team as the gate kawooshed into life. “Good luck.”

John scowled up at her and led his merry band across the floor, stomping through the event horizon like a man with a grudge against every particle in the universe and arrived on the other side of the gate in a sun filled glade with velvety grass swaying gently in a warm breeze and the musical tinkle of a crystal waterfall filling the air as it fell picturesquely in the distance. He snarled as he saw a small, deer like creature sipping water from the other side of the ice blue pool fed by the waterfall, and only just resisted the temptation to shoot at it when it regarded him with eyes that bore an uncanny resemblance to Teyla’s soft limpid ones.

“Oh yeah.” Ronon stepped up to his side, and looked around approvingly. “This could work.”

John tightened his grip on his gun and spat, “No. Details.” He turned as the gate shut down and gritted his teeth. He could do this. “Teyla, you’re with me. McKay, take some readings while we go scout the immediate area. We’ll be back in ten, I want a destination and risk assessment regarding alien technology by the time we’re done.”

“Really?” Rodney scowled at John and crossed his arms over his chest as he lifted his chin haughtily. “Perhaps you’d like me to knock up a quick replica ZPM while I’m at it? Maybe discover another handy back-up power source? Really, just say the word, Colonel. Your wish is my command.”

John stared bitterly through his sunglasses. “I should be so lucky.” He turned on his heel and stomped off towards the tree line. “Ten minutes, McKay.”

Rodney stared after John, ignoring Teyla’s bracing smile and cheery wave as she hurried after him, and then whirled on Ronon. “Okay, what the hell is going…what are you _doing_?”

Ronon paused in the middle of stripping his shirt from his body, making sure to flex his biceps and stomach muscles appealingly, and that he was standing in flattering pool of sunlight to show his honeyed skin off to its best advantage. “I’m hot.” He threw his shirt to the ground on top of his long leather coat, and cocked his hip to place his weight on one leg as he rested a hand on his sidearm and lovingly stroked the grip. His eyes darkened and he smiled slowly. “Just want to be comfortable.” 

Rodney, completely scandalised, snatched up Ronon’s coat and threw it at him, darting anxious looks all around them. “Are you mad? What if someone sees? What will they think? Put some clothes on right now.”

“Why?” Slightly disconcerted by Rodney’s insistence he cover up Ronon faltered for a second, but the memory of Miko’s eyes glazing and her tumble off the bed when he had practiced this move on her the previous evening soon had his confidence restored. He licked his lower lip slowly, radiating sex appeal as best he could. “There’s no one going to see but us.” 

“Fine, fine!” Rodney looked nonplussed for a moment before hissing angrily, “In that case, The Fabulous Go-Go Boy Club called and they want their stripper back.” He flapped his hands at Ronon. “Run along now, be sure to wear your low cut pants to get the best tips.”

Ronon’s confidence dipped slightly as Rodney tried to force his arms into his coat sleeves, and he shook him off angrily. “McKay, I’m hot!” He tilted his head and looked down through half-lidded eyes. “Might even try out that pool. The water looks…inviting.” He tried out another move that had proved surprisingly effective the previous evening. “Want to join me?”

Rodney stumbled back, staring incredulously. “Did you just toss your hair? You did!” He stabbed an accusing finger into Ronon’s chest. “You tossed your hair! What are you thinking? We’re on an alien planet, possibly surrounded by alien wildlife just itching to rend us limb from limb, and you’re standing around….”

Ronon sighed and bent to retrieve his shirt from the ground, tuning out Rodney’s outraged rant, and regretfully concluded that his first foray into enticing McKay into his bed hadn’t gone as smoothly as he’d hoped. He tugged the shirt over his head, tucking it into his waistband as Rodney continued to loudly berate him. Okay, so page thirty-six had been a bust. Next time, page forty-seven!

~*~*~*

Nearly a week later, the team found themselves back on a planet that they had traded successfully with in the past, aiding in a relocation effort for a small village that was in imminent danger of being buried under several hundred tons of mud thanks to some very severe rainstorms. Ronon had prepared carefully. 

He was wearing one of his favourite cotton white muscle vests, thin enough to cling lovingly to every line of his torso at the slightest hint of exertion, his pants were tight, but not obviously so, and best of all he had found exactly what he needed to ensure his plan’s success within the village and now all he needed to do was find Rodney and wait for the man to fall into his waiting arms.

Ignoring the stupefied look that Sheppard sent him when he stalked down the main pathway of the new settlement site, Ronon followed the strident tones of Rodney in High Dudgeon and found Atlantis’ resident genius haranguing a cowed mix of marines and village men as they attempted to erect a new village hall and weren’t doing it quickly or expertly enough to suit the scientist. Ronon checked his appearance one last time -- strategic smears of manly sweat and honest toil, check. Pants riding the lowest point of his hips it was possible to do without puddling around his ankles, check. Newly discovered village visual aid clasped in his strong and protective arms, check and double check -- and leant against the nearest tree, preparing to be noticed. 

A few long minutes later, he shifted, lost his carefully seductive expression and cleared his throat loudly and pointedly. Was the man blind?

Rodney’s head snapped round at the sound of someone coughing up what sounded like both lungs, and looked blankly at Ronon before his eyes rounded in recognition and what Ronon decided was tender, appreciative awe. He grinned to himself and minutely adjusted his pose. Oh yeah, page forty-seven was a go.

“Oh my god, what the hell is that?” Rodney, looking less tenderly and appreciatively awed with each passing second, shoved one of his faceless minions out of his way and strode over to Ronon, staring in horror at the bundle he held clasped in his arms. “Put it back wherever you found it, right now! There’s no telling what kind of diseases it has.”

Ronon straightened up from his studied pose and made sure to hold his tiny burden to display his impressive biceps and strong, capable hands to their best advantage. “I found him. He was upset.” He dipped his head and looked up at Rodney with just the right amount of manly vulnerability. “I like kids.”

“Really? Par-boiled or roasted?” Rodney glared at the toddler clasped to Ronon’s chest, taking in the dirty, terrified face and the way the kid had it’s arms and legs braced against Ronon’s torso, straining away from him with every muscle in it’s rigid, petrified body. “And I have no doubt that it’s upset, it probably thinks you’re going to eat it!”

Ronon looked taken aback and glanced down at the child he had found wandering unattended a short while earlier, flashing a reassuring glimpse of his white teeth through his beard. The child blinked, threw back its head and gave a high-pitched, tortured scream that had Rodney’s face screwing up with shock and brought everyone in the immediate area to a sudden and grinding halt. 

“Oh for….” Rodney stumbled forwards as Ronon flinched and got a good grip on the screaming kid, yanking it away from his team-mate and holding it in front of him with both arms outstretched and a disgusted look on his face. “Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Hey, anyone here know who this belongs to? Hey!” He nervously shook the screaming child, shooting a poisonous look at Ronon’s startled face. “Well don’t just stand there! Go find someone to take it away.” His voice rose in gradual increments, as the child’s screams became ever more piercing. “Now! Go now! I can feel my ears start to bleed! God, knows what I’ve got smeared all over my hands now, thanks to you. I’ll bet no one on this godforsaken planet has even heard of immunisation shots, and….”

Ronon sighed, tuned Rodney once more and mentally resigned himself to the fact that page forty-seven -- a demonstration of how even the most intimidating and fearsome of warriors could be tender and gentle with the proper incentive -- was a wash out. Perhaps he was going about this all wrong; obviously the subtle approach was being wasted on McKay. Time to make a tactical withdrawal and reassess the situation. Ronon sighed forlornly to himself as he trudged gloomily off to locate the child’s parents. If only Miko would let him skip straight to page fifty-five, life would be so much easier. Ronon was really looking forward to that one.

~*~*~*

After careful examination of the available evidence, Miko had once more shot down Ronon’s hopeful suggestion of page fifty-five, and had excitedly informed him that she now believed that she knew where they had gone wrong with their original decision of starting their campaign with page thirty-six and knew exactly how to fix the problem.

Ronon reluctantly conceded that it probably was more logical to start stripping off his clothes when they were away overnight off-world, rather than for no apparent reason in a sunny glade at around lunchtime, and cheered up immensely when Miko decided that for maximum impact they should meld page thirty-six with eighty two, and that he shouldn’t be afraid to drop the soap as many times as he thought he could get away with it. 

Which was how Ronon found himself naked in a river, with Rodney perched on a rock mere feet away engrossed in something on his laptop and munching his way through various rations completely ignoring the gleaming, hard body displaying itself in every possible position for his visual pleasure. And Ronon had lost the soap.

John stood concealed in the trees surrounding their temporary campsite, watching with horrified fascination as Ronon did everything bar paint ‘Come and get it, big boy!’ on his chest and wiggling his butt to attract Rodney’s attention, and the scientist remained engrossed in assessing the data he had gathered that day and not so much as a flicker passing over his face that indicated he was not in his lab, let alone mere feet away from a naked, horny warrior.

He looked around as he heard Teyla approach from conducting her assigned perimeter sweep, and scowled as she gifted him with a serene smile “Is everything well?”

John found his eyes unwillingly drawn back to the scene playing out by the pool as Ronon brought a cupped hand to his shoulder, dribbling water down over his chest and glaring at Rodney when he totally failed to appreciate the sight. “Well as expected.”

“I see.” Teyla nodded, her face creasing in slight concern as she observed her other team members. “I seem to remember that the fresh water pools on this planet are sometimes infested with parasites that attach themselves to flesh and gain nourishment by sucking blood through the skin. Do you think that Ronon is aware of this?”

A pained howl rang through the still forest air as Ronon began to flail frantically at his thighs and waist and Rodney fell off his rock in shock at the sudden noise. John’s day suddenly seemed a lot brighter as he watched Ronon splash his cursing, pained way to the shore and he laughed meanly. “He is now.”

~*~*~*

Despite the impressive bite marks and welts covering a good eighty percent of Ronon’s lower body, Miko remained unmoved in her insistence that it was still too early in their plans for page fifty-five to be implemented. Ronon, a man who hadn’t been able to sit comfortably never mind pee for days after his humiliating experience, was ready to leap ahead to page one hundred and thirty and break out the ropes and wild black stallion, but eventually Miko managed to get him to listen to reason and he reluctantly agreed with her that his best chance in securing Rodney’s attention was to carefully read pages sixty-seven thru seventy and to adapt the scene accordingly. 

His chance came on a visit to the main Athosian settlement on the mainland to celebrate Jinto’s birthday. The birthday boy had his choice of party games, and could not be persuaded to give up the chance to play ‘Kill the Wraith!’ with his Atlantean friends, so the party had split into two teams, the children and teenagers of the village running away to hide, and the adults had been left behind to count to one hundred and then give their very best impressions of life-sucking aliens and chase after their prey into the woods.

Ronon thoroughly approved of the exercise, and approved even more of the fact that he was with his usual team, enjoying a beautiful day without having to worry unduly about being attacked by unfriendly aliens and he could try to coax Rodney into conversation with him. Unfortunately, his overtures remarking on the weather, the abundant crops of the Athosians and the picturesque spot they had chosen to settle had fallen on deaf ears, and Rodney was more concerned with lamenting long and loudly about the unfairness of being ordered out of his lab when he could have been working and the spitefulness of certain team leaders in exercising their dubious authority to achieve that aim. And then they found the wild honey.

Mindful of his mission statement for that day, Ronon abandoned his plan for dancing attendance on Rodney later at the birthday feast and instead decided that climbing a tree, battling wild and protective could-be-bees and then stealing their honeycomb would work just as well as providing succulent cuts of meat and roasted vegetables to show what a good provider he could be. Plus, it gave him another opportunity to strip off his shirt so the material wouldn’t be dirtied or ripped when he climbed the tree, so that worked out pretty well too.

John hung back as Ronon once more stripped off, rolling his eyes when the younger man flexed his muscles hopefully in Rodney’s direction, and then settled back to enjoy the show when Rodney did nothing more than loudly question Ronon’s sanity and berate him for being a shameless exhibitionist. 

Despite his initial misgivings about the whole situation, John was now enjoying the hell out what was proving to be the most amusing and bizarre courtship in history, and he was confident that he wouldn’t be disappointed this time. Although he was willing to lay good odds that Ronon would be. 

It started out well. With feline grace, Ronon leapt and clung to the tree trunk, only small grunts of effort betraying the strength it took to haul his impressive frame up nearly twenty feet of smooth bark before he reached any realistic handholds. As soon as he reached the lower branches, Ronon came into his own. Muscles corded and bulged under his skin, a light sweat springing out to coat his torso as he swung from branch to branch and ever nearer his goal. He didn’t actually make his fatal error until he was perched precariously alongside the hive and grinning down at his friends triumphantly, hand just inches from his spoils.

“Oh good grief, don’t be stupid!” Rodney was practically dancing on the spot with agitation. “You have no idea what you’re doing, and you’re going to get yourself killed! Come down, you idiot. We’ll go back to the village and find someone that knows about these things if getting some honey means that much to you. Come down!”

Ronon’s grin widened as he saw the genuine concern on Rodney’s face, and his eyes softened as he said teasingly, “Didn’t know you cared, McKay.” Ignoring John and Teyla silently watching him, he winked and said, “Besides, it’s not for me.” Holding Rodney’s startled eyes, he shoved his hand through the side of the hive and just as quickly withdrew it, holding a dripping fist of honeycomb aloft triumphantly. “You hungry?”

Which was when a flood of angry could-be-bees streamed out of the hole in the side of their cosy home, buzzed furiously around the pilfered honey and then decided that in reparation for the ruination of their hive they would now be setting up camp in Ronon’s hair. 

What followed looked painful and scary as Ronon tumbled clumsily out of the tree and landed with a thump on the ground, and Rodney backed away with a yell when the bees followed. John and Teyla watched in stunned horror as their friends tried to dodge the crazed insects, and then Ronon took off like a bat out of hell for the stream that constituted the village water supply with Rodney running in his wake alternately shouting helpful suggestions to get rid of the bees and scathing insults for being so stupid in the first place.

John turned and gripped Teyla’s hand, looking with terrible and sincere earnestness into her eyes. “Teyla, this sharing of emotions and encouraging team-mates to date thing?” He smiled beatifically as Ronon’s enraged roars and Rodney’s frantic admonishments faded into the distance. “Best idea ever.”

Teyla snatched her hand away, snapping accusingly, “You can be a very unpleasant man, Colonel Sheppard.”

John grinned as he watched her run off after their friends, and called after her with fervent sincerity, “No. Seriously. _Thank you_!”

~*~*~*

Two days later Ronon finally conceded defeat. The lumps from his bee stings had barely gone down, he’d had to suffer John breaking up in helpless laughter every time he’d crossed paths with the man and Rodney had taken to eyeing him like he was some kind of lunatic and sidling out of his way nervously if he showed up dressed in anything less than at least two layers of clothing and there weren’t a high number of people around to act as buffers between them.

Miko was devastated, even going so far as to authorise immediate action on page fifty-five to persuade Ronon not to give up, but he was not to be dissuaded. It was over. He had clearly read all the signals wrongly, and all he had to show for his first efforts at earth romance was a renewed healthy respect for indigenous wildlife on alien planets and the deep suspicion that he was the laughing stock of the entire city. 

So when Rodney managed to get himself kidnapped by the Genii on a routine meet ‘n’ greet to a new planet, Ronon was more than slightly surprised to find that making the logical, clear headed decision to cut his losses and think of Rodney as more than just another colleague lasted no more than thirty seconds before a red mist of fury swamped his vision and the next thing he knew he was standing knee deep in groaning Genii soldiers and pounding Rodney’s location out of the lone terrified soldier still halfway conscious.

He barely remembered anything of the rescue mission that followed. Days later brief flashes came to him of Sheppard’s grim face piloting the lead jumper through the stargate, hands tense on the controls or Teyla’s hard expression as she mercilessly slaughtered the three guards standing between them and their missing team member, but mainly all that Ronon recalled was the sick desperate fear that they would be too late and their savage counter-strike against the Genii would achieve nothing more than allowing them to bring home Rodney’s body.

Certainly nothing else could explain that his first reaction to kicking in the wooden cell door and seeing Rodney’s scared but unmarked face, was to crowd the man up against the nearest wall and lay a kiss on him that left them both breathless and Sheppard yelling at the top of his lungs about appropriate rescue practices and the violated No Details agreement.

And then Rodney punched him.

~*~*~*

John finally managed to corner Rodney in his otherwise unoccupied lab some three hours after his dramatic rescue from the Genii, and stomped in to yank his laptop out from under his nose and slam a certain book down in it’s place. Then he reconsidered, snatched the book up again and smacked Rodney smartly around the head with it before dropping it to the desk top once more. 

“Ow!” Rodney tumbled clumsily off his stool and backed away, clutching his head and shooting John an outraged glare. “What was that for?”

John snatched the book up again and threw it after Rodney with deadly accuracy, smirking when it bounced off his unprotected forehead. “Read that. That’s an order.”

Rodney clapped his free hand to his forehead and ducked behind Zalenka’s desk, yelling, “What the hell is your problem? Have you gone completely nuts? I think you’ve given me concussion!”

“Yeah? Well you’ve given me an aneurysm! How blind _are_ you?” Completely unsympathetic, John tucked Rodney’s laptop under his arm, snatched up the book and flung in Rodney’s direction for the last time before turning on his heel and stalking out of the lab, yelling over his shoulder, “Pay attention to the parts that Miko’s highlighted and then fix this, you jerk!”

Rodney huddled behind Zalenka’s desk for well over a minute before hesitantly peering out into the room and ascertaining he was once more alone. He rubbed furiously at the stinging patch of skin on his forehead as he looked down and saw the object that he had been assaulted with lying on the floor and then frowned. “What on earth…?”

~*~*~*

Ronon was lying on his bed and indulging in some ferocious scowling at his ceiling when the knock came at his door later that night. He turned his head slightly to stare at the door, and then turned it back again to resume his scowling.

“Ronon!”

Ronon twitched slightly at the sound of Rodney’s voice, but stubbornly remained in situ on his bed, determined that his humiliation at the hands of the scientist was finally going to stop. He refused to let himself even look at McKay anymore, in fact he…

“Ronon, let me in.” Sounding mortified and desperate, Rodney’s voice floated with somewhat muffled intensity through the door. “I need to talk to you, and I can’t do that when you’ve locked yourself in your room like some kind of really ugly, unfortunately proportioned teenaged girl.”

Ronon’s eyes narrowed and his lips curled in a fierce snarl. If McKay thought that he could draw him out with insults and sarcastic comments then he obviously didn’t know his audience. If Ronon could out think and out manoeuvre the Wraith for seven years, then one bombastic, oblivious, under-sexed scientist was child’s play. He could hold out for another seven years if he had to.

“Ronon, if you don’t open this door right now, then I am going to flood your quarters with sleeping gas and _cut off your hair_!”

Okay, hold out against anything except that. Ronon jerked upright and his feet slammed to the floor.

“I mean it, you over-fed Neanderthal, all your hair. I’ll weave it into some kind of purse and give it to Teyla to keep her spare knife in or something.” Rodney’s indignant yelling stopped abruptly when the door separating him from Ronon slid open and revealed the man himself. Rodney caught the somewhat homicidal look in his eyes and looked for a moment as though he was going to turn tail and run, but a split second later was shoving his way past Ronon, angrily waving his incriminating material above his head and yelling up a storm. “You’ve been wooing me. Without my consent!”

Ronon scowled as Rodney stared accusingly at him. “Not anymore. Get out.”

“I will not!” Completely disregarding his usual fears for life and limb, Rodney hurled the book at Ronon and watched with satisfaction as it bounced with a reassuring thump off his chest and fell to the floor. “How dare you? Just what kind of person do you think I am?”

Ronon snarled as a passing marine faltered outside his door and slapped at the access panel to shut it, sealing them in. “A stupid one.”

Rodney, impossibly, managed to look even more furious. “I am not stupid. You take that back right now!”

“Make me.” Ronon took a step forward, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “Go on, McKay. I dare you.”

“Oh don’t even think about trying to intimidate me, you big gorilla.” Rodney narrowed his eyes and clenched his own fists. “I’m not the one that’s been parading around here like some kind of cheap Fabio knock-off, too hesitant ask a simple question instead of concocting elaborate, badly thought out and poorly executed courting rituals with the aid of the oldest virgin in two galaxies!”

Ronon opened his mouth, paused and then squinted dubiously at Rodney. “Sheppard’s a virgin?”

It was Rodney’s turn to gape at Ronon. “What? No! I mean Miko.” He blinked. “Wait, Sheppard was helping you too?”

Ronon snorted, thinking of some of the more sophisticated ideas Miko had come up with to get Rodney into his bed. “Trust me, that woman is no virgin.” He crossed his arms over his formidable chest and glared at his erstwhile love interest. “Now get out.”

“The hell I will.” Rodney flung himself down onto Ronon’s bed and folded his own arms. “I want an explanation.” His arms, lasting all of twenty seconds in their at rest state, started flying again. “You owe me that. You’ve been…been flaunting yourself in front of me for weeks, acting like a total jerk, and now you’ve kissed me. In front of witnesses, so don’t deny it!”

“I wasn’t going to deny it.” Ronon’s growl bounced off the walls like a roll of particularly ominous thunder. “I’m just stunned you noticed.” His eyes were like flint as they raked angrily over Rodney. “You sure as hell didn’t notice anything else I did.”

“Oh my god!” Rodney bounced up off the bed. “Are you listening to me? I noticed! I just thought it was some kind of weird yeti mating instinct and you were in heat, you moron. How was I supposed to know that you were preening your tattered feathers for my benefit? Every time I turned around you were half-naked or wet or half-naked _and_ wet and it’s pretty hard to think logically when something that looks like it escaped from the pages of Playgirl is pointing its nipples at you every chance it gets. Imbecile!”

Ronon’s brow furrowed uncertainly. “You noticed?” He eyed Rodney suspiciously. “You didn’t look like you noticed.”

Rodney clapped an exasperated hand to his forehead and yelled, “Half-naked! Wet!”

“Oh. Huh.” Ronon looked down at the floor, and stared at his book lying forgotten there. “So. You interested?”

“No!” Looking desperately pleased with himself, Rodney stabbed an accusing finger in the air. “I wouldn’t touch you if you came bearing ZPM’s and had single-handedly annihilated every Wraith in the galaxy. You are a cretin, and I do not sleep with cretins.” He stuck his chin out and headed for the door. “That’s all I wanted to say.”

Ronon stood frozen for a moment, and then grabbed for Rodney’s arm just as he got the door open to reveal the curious marine from before, now joined by several of his friends and two scientists, all looking horrified at being caught listening to a furious row between their colleagues about their recent half-naked and wet interactions. Ronon ignored Rodney’s startled gasp, yanked him back inside the room and slapped at the control panel again, this time making sure to lock the damn door and ignoring the disappointed groans from outside. He slammed Rodney up against the wall, and leaned down to shove his face against the smaller man’s, so close that their noses touched. “What do you want from me? What should I have done differently?”

Rodney quailed for a brief moment under the furious roar and rather painful manhandling, and then rallied magnificently. “You could have asked! Just asked if I liked you!” He felt a stab of satisfaction at Ronon’s startled withdrawal at his own angry shout. “Because I would have said yes. Instead you…oh crap!” Righteous fury died a rather inglorious death when he saw the flare of triumph in the dark eyes above his, and Rodney bucked frantically under Ronon’s hands. “Don’t you _dare_ …mmmpfh!” 

Ronon was delighted with himself. Finally, page fifty-five – angry kissing and, hopefully, sex! He pressed harder against Rodney’s squirming body and ignored the muffled sounds of protest to slip one hand around the back of Rodney’s neck to hold him in place and the other to grip his hip and pull him tightly up against his thigh. He poured everything he could into the kiss; all his longing, frustration and fear from the failed attempt by the Genii to take Rodney from them and then, finally, his mouth gentled and his lips spoke soundlessly of his offered devotion as he moved them insistently over Rodney’s.

“God!” Rodney wrenched his mouth away with difficulty and panted for air when Ronon simply switched his attention to licking and biting at Rodney’s neck. “What are you doing?”

“Page fifty-five.” Ronon’s mumbled against Rodney’s neck and grinned delightedly when he felt the resulting shiver. “I’m gonna be shooting for page two hundred and three pretty soon.”

Rodney’s eyes crossed as Ronon found his pounding pulse and bit down. “Two…hundred…and three?”

“Yeah.” Ronon yanked Rodney’s collar out of the way and happily went to town on his shoulder. “You, me, no clothes. Problem?”

Rodney moaned at the scratch of Ronon’s beard against his skin and tried to think. “Wait, wait!” He scrabbled for a grip on Ronon’s arms and shoved as hard as he could to get himself some breathing space. “Just wait!”

Ronon groaned pitifully. “McKay, give me a break.” He reluctantly pulled back from Rodney’s neck and scowled down into dazed blue eyes. “I thought you said yes?”

“If you’d have asked me I would have done.” Rodney tried to get his breathing under control and ignore the fantastic amount of heat Ronon was giving off. “This…I wasn’t expecting this! I don’t know what you want.”

Ronon frowned and then asked cautiously, “You’re not a virgin are you?” He smiled reassuringly. “If you are it’s okay. The book covers it, I know what to do.”

“No, I am not!” Rodney shoved against Ronon again a good deal harder and this time succeeded in pushing him away. “I mean I don’t know what you want aside from the obvious. Is this just a hitting on the most likely target thing because Teyla or Sheppard would shoot you, or is this you actually wanting me?”

Ronon looked equally puzzled and exasperated, something he suspected he would spent a great deal of time doing around Rodney in their future. “You. I want you.” He crossed his arms over his chest to remove the temptation of reaching for Rodney again, and looked him square in the eye as he said simply, “It’s been you from the start.”

“Oh.” Rodney stared back, amazed at the calm honesty reflected in Ronon’s eyes. “Why?”

Ronon had given this question a great deal of thought since he had first realised his attraction to Rodney, and had his answer ready. “You make things real for me. I was on my own so long; I forgot life had more layers than running and fighting for survival. You make things matter again.”

“I…do?” Rodney blinked dazedly. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Greatly daring, Ronon reached out and touched Rodney’s sagging jaw. “And you make me laugh. I wanted to get this right, so I used the book. I thought that if I used your own customs then you’d be more comfortable when I approached you.” He flashed a rueful grin. “Wasn’t one of my better ideas.”

“No, not really.” Rodney grinned back at him. “I’m not great at picking up signals. Well…” He laughed shakily. “…not unless they’re encoded in a data stream and are warnings of imminent deadly attacks, anyway.”

Ronon nodded gravely. “Yeah, I noticed that.” He took a deep breath and looked away for a moment. “So. Now you know.” He forced himself to look back at Rodney. “What do you want to do now?”

Rodney smiled, took a step forward and leaned up to press his lips to Ronon’s in a brief chaste kiss. “How about we start with page one and go from there?”

~*~*~*

The End.


End file.
